Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
