at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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