you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
