I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
