The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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