There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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