I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I will be naked everywhere
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
