It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
