That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
