i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
