Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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