How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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