I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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