and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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