she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
