i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
