Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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