My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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