So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
