Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
