i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Come share oat with me in your robe
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
