My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Randomize
