I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
if only i could text you this smell
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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