I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
