My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
