I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
