In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
