We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
