After last night, I could never be a politician.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
