Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
