Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Your penis caused this!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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