Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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