Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
