The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You ruined the universe
Randomize
