Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
