Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
