he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
