did you get engaged???
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
