Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
