I wish my penis had an off switch
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He kissed a someone with a penis
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
