i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
