You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
