you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Actions speak louder than pants.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
