im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
