Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
