I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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