i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
