Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
