Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
