there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
